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Its late again and I am up. I hate being up like this cause my mind goes to dark places. Places where ghouls live and the darkness takes over. I am tired but when I think about going to sleep I get scared. But of what? I don’t know and I think that I may never know. I want to be able to just lay down and sleep. I see my kids and husband, even the dog, and I want that. I want to sleep and wonder away to a world where all is possible. Where I am not haunted by the what ifs and the now whats. I want to see more than what I see when I am awake. I want to feel more than sadness. Emptiness.
How can I feel so alone when I am surrounded by people. I thought I had beat this depression. But I am starting to see that depression is like the monster in the scary movies. I am ruining and its walking, but it always catches up. I moves away! I left all I knew and came to live in the place I dreamed of. I am in OZ but there is no color. I see it sometimes. In the corner of my eye. I want it. I crave it. I needed it. But I cant have it and I don’t know why. This is no life. Not for me and not for the ones I love. Its so hard to be what they need and want. I fear I am getting worst at it not better. Where is my clown face. Did I live that in Texas when I move here. Is it with my past and my memories? I don’t know all I know is that I am falling again. I always seem to be falling. I cant seem to find something to hold on to. What is wrong with me. Will I ever know?
Last night while sitting down watching tv after a long day I went into a panic. The show I was watching ended and just as the DVR stopped, it was as if my depression started. I felt like I needed to just say what I was thinking. My husband was sitting next to me on the other sofa and although I wasn't looking at him I knew he was sitting there with his mouth open like WTF?!
This was what I said:
I feel like I am lost, like I was in a cave for a long time looking at the sky wanting to get out. I climbed out after who knows how long and now I am at the top free. I see the world around me I feel good. But then I take a step and the ground caves in and I am back where I began. This is something I have been doing for the past 7 years.
I don't understand it. I knew why I was sad in Texas but here? This is where I wanted to be. My dream came true finally after all this time. I have no reason to be sad but I am. I get a moment of bliss and then it's gone. It's living in OZ and seeing everything gray. How can that be. I don't know what's wrong with me that I feel sick all the time. Not being able to go see a doctor cause we have no money for it. If I am going to have something can it just be already instead of this torture of everyday. Its like God is playing Russian Roulette with me and I dont know when I am going to get the hit. This pain here and there, it's enough to drive me mad.
Tears just running down my face and he is sitting there and all I feel is sadness. He wasn't the best man, but he is now. He is a good husband to me. He tries hard to be good but I am just so broken. I am so sick of the feeling of despair. I try so hard to be normal and I want to be. I want so much for myself and I feel I could do so much with my life. But with this darkness that it follows me just won't let me be. What am I to do with this. How do I fix something I don't know where it is broken.
I fear when I am gone my kids will remember a mess of a mom. I cant express to them how much I love them cause I just don't know how. I want to sit here and write and write until I can put all my pain and despair into this page and extract it from with me. I want to look at my life and see that it had meaning. I don't get why I was saved two times from dying if I die everyday I wake up.
My mood: extremely devastated
Have been a bit up and down lately. I was very stressed out cause I had no time to myself here since the kids don't go to school as much as in Texas. But now they are back in school and I have time to think in a nice quite house. I do have something to look forward to, my mother is finally going to come and visit me. That's going to be nice and not at the same time. I miss her a lot but at times we can get into heated arguments. She is very critical of my life.
It's late and I should be in bed but I have so many things I want to do. I want to start a blog that I write in daily. Don't know why, I am not sure I have anything worth writing. I felt so good when I was going to school but well that went to shit. It's just I don't want to settle at this point in my life. I want to do something that has meaning. If it pays well then better. I wouldn't mind not making that much money as long as I got to do something that made me happy.
My bad dreams and visions are starting to haunt me at night again. And although I do deal with them better than I used to I don't know why they have come back. When I 1st moved here I was fine and even though this sounds crazy I was fine until my mom and sister started to send me some of the stuff I left back in Texas. Being Mexican we believe in curses, even though I don't want to. But I just think it's weird that I started having all the dreams I had before when this huge box got here with old stuff from over there.
Makes me think maybe something is up....
This year has started off to an okay start I guess. Took the kids to Ihop and we all talked about one thing we wanted to change about ourselves and one thing we would want to change about each other. It was nice to hear the way other people in your family sees you. All were good points and I am going to try and change those things.
I went to bed very early the last two days. Since the kids had no school I let them stay up late and it was hard getting back into our routine. But today everyone woke up at 5:30 am so I think we are good. Yesterday I got up and did the girl's hair and their nails and today I made everyone breakfast. I needed a paper printed and so I asked my husband to please fix the printer. He said it was going to take more time than he had and so I said okay never mind then and was fine. But he sat there messed with it some more and then got all mad at me and spoke to me as if I were a child and told me I should have told him last night. From there all hell broke loose and we had our 1st fight of the year.
I always hate when we fight cause it makes me feel so helpless. It reminds me that cause I am a housewife I have no rights. I want to stop feeling this way and wonder if its a me thing or an every housewife thing. When did it become okay to assume cause I stay home I don't matter. Sure he has to get to work but I need to take care of the kids. He is a man and could take the bus to work so that I don't have to walk with 4 kids in the rain to school. But the least he can do is run an errand or two when I ask him to. I don't like to fight with him cause it gets nowhere. Just wished he could see how stressed out I am having to run this house. I would love to be able to just go to work and have everything just happened around me like he does. I wonder if I were a lesbian if I would have this problem too!
My mood: extremely aggravated
I just got off the phone with my mother. I had not talked to her in a few days and I almost didn't call her today either. Even now writing this I feel like I am doing something wrong. I just don't know how to talk to her. I dont know if its me or her or what. Is this God's way of letting me know she needs to stay in Texas and not come over here? I am so hurt and confused by what just happened. All I wanted was for her to give me some support and see things my way. But I see that she isn't going to ever change. I have so much on my plate and I want to please everyone and at the same time make me happy too. I know I am not a very good mom sometimes but I am working on it. I have my own issues and should not project those on to my kids. I want them to be happy and stay close by when they get older and make their way. But I wouldn't hold them to where they would be in emotional pain. I lived all my life with my mom always being 1st on my mind. I lived to make her happy and somewhere I just got used to this fighting ritual we do. To where now I am sitting here at a lost for words cause I am still like WTF!
I moved away from her and wanted to have her come with me. But she didn't want to come and now everytime I call her she lets me know what a bad person I am cause I left. I didn't leave her, she stayed. She didn't want to move with me. We have fought over this over and over again and now she told me to just not call her no more. And part of my wants not to. I love her but I just cant do this no more. I feel I am not doing anything wrong. I want to help her still but she is in Texas and I in Washington. There is limits in what we both can do. I just wish I didnt feel so guilty when it came her. I wish we could find a way to talk to each other and be happy again and forget all this drama. But I guess for now all I can do is pray for wisdom to deal with all this and not let me get me down again....
My mood: extremely confused
Its going to be a month now since I moved into my new home here in Washington. I wish it was a home I was buying but I guess baby steps. I feel that in this little time I have made so many changes. It weird but I dont miss anyone. I am a very emotional person and I thought I was going to miss the people I left in Texas but I dont. In fact when I talk so some of them sometimes it makes me feel depressed. They are no negative still and its the same thing they complain about. When I was over there I used to tell my husband I felt like I was stuck in the same place since we were kids. I felt as if my life wasnt moving forward but I was getting older. Here I feel I have grown not just aged.
Yesterday was my 1st day of school. I was so nervous cause I hadnt been in school since I was 16 years old. I was also scared cause its a lot of money and I want to make sure I am not going to just waste it away. I have ADHD and I dont take meds for it so its hard for me to not wonder off. But it was good. I mean it was day 1 but I feel like I am going to be okay. I feel so proud of myself. 4 years ago I couldnt leave my house and here I am in a new place and going to school. I still want to get a job tho. I want to be able to have a good Christmas this year. Last year if it werent for the school giving out gift the kids wouldnt have had a any. They didnt even get to have a Christmas tree. So thats the goal. Now I just need to make it happen.
My mood: very hopeful
A few years I was looking at the rain outside my widow and I felt so good inside. It only lasted a few moments, the rain not my feeling. I wanted to feel happy like that all the time. I was tired of the crying and the pain I felt inside. I was so depressed and I didn't know why. I was ready to give up and let it take me whole. Later that day I told my husband I wanted to move. I want to go somewhere where there is rain all the time and no sun. I want to move to Seattle. He looked at me and laughed. "Do you know where that is?" he said to me. "Its across the map!" I was mad that he thought it was so impossible that I would want to leave the place where I had been born and had lived all my life. People do that all the time. Right?
The next 2 years I spent complaining about the weather and the people. Everything bad that happened to me I would tell my husband its cause we don't live to Seattle. I knew it wasn't true but I was thinking maybe if I said it enough he would tell me okay lets go. He didn't. In July 2012 my landlord came over with his wife and insisted on talking to me in person. I had had one of the Saturday mornings when all that can go wrong did. It was almost 4 in the afternoon and I still hadn't made food. We were walking in with 4 kids and bags of groceries in 101 temperature. I was in no mood for him but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He came into the garage and told me he had good news with a big smile. I will always remember his face that day. I should have told him why he was cruel. But I didn't. He told me they had sold the house and I had to leave in 30 days. I had been there 8 years and he used to tell me what a perfect tenant I was. I couldn't believe he had done that in that way on that day. And why was he so happy. I know he was happy for himself but why come and rub it in to me. The house had mold and so many other issues and I stopped complaining to him cause he wouldn't fix it.
I cried that day. I was so sad and I couldn't understand why God had let this happened to me. Where was I suppose to go. I had no money and there was so much stuff. My kids were about to start school that Monday and I had all that to deal with. The next day I went online and made three applications for my husband to get a job in Seattle. I went to bed and I prayed. "God show me the way. I have been lost for so long now. You have left me. I feel so alone in a house full of people. Please stand next to me and help Lord. Where do I go?" This is what I said. I ll remember those words for the rest of my life. The next day I was woken up by a phone call. They called my husband and by the end of the week he had a new job in Seattle WA. In 3 weeks I moved all my things out of the home where my last son was born. I moved into my mother's house. Sold, left, donated, and stored 96% of my things.
I go into my truck and with my husband, 4 kids, my nephew, and my dog left all I had ever known. For a place I had only seen in pictures. Where I knew no one and nothing. I got here on Aug 12, 2012. My husband's 1st day at his new job was on the 13th. 8 is my favorite # and 13 is his. 8/13 is his mother's b day. Weird huh? That's is you believe in those kinds of things with numbers and all. That day when I woke up and looked outside the hotel window. I knew I was where I needed to be. I was born Jan 16 but I started to live on 8/13/2012
After years in the dark I have finally found my light. It took leaving everything I knew and starting over. It was hard but not why many people might think it would be. I have been a member here for a while now and I had many stories up. In one of my darkest moments I came and delete them all. I now wish I hadn't. At the time I had lost hope that life was ever going to change for me. But it did. But I had to change it.
I had bad bad depression. In a way I think I have always had it. Thinking back to as long as I can remember I was always wishing and waiting for something else. Not sure what but I just knew I was in the wrong place. I dont know what it was. A combination of things maybe? Not sure. I think some people are just born broken. But I have learn not only to accept it but love it, cause thanks to all I have went through it has led me here. It was sad and lonely and the emotional and physical scared will always be with me. I carved the word Broken on my body to let the world know what I was. But it ended up showing me that I was in a low point in my life. I am not a teen no more and carving myself wasn't going to help change anything. That being said I know a part of my will always return to thinking about hurting myself in one way or another, it just part of who I am. And I am okay with that now.
Everyone deals with their shortcomings in different ways, I am not saying my are good or bad. But this is what I have learned in my so many years of living with my friend Depression. For me medication wasn't an option. I made me lose me and I rather be me and broken than not me and fixed. I want to share with everyone, or maybe no one, my journey to a better life. And maybe someone will log on here in the night when they are feeling all alone and see my post. If I can make a difference in that one person, then I did what I set out to do here.
I have been feeling the need to write for some time now. But I haven't cause I don't want to sit and really think about my feelings. I am trying to watch T.V. tho and my mind seems to wonder off. We are now six months in the year and I haven't really done much. One of my goals is to clean my house and rid it of unneeded things. I want to own nothing that is not being used of will be used in the near future.
I am struggling to keep my demons in check! I have done very well in my person but lately I feel I am slipping again. I go from hating my life to just hating things and people in it. I want to do some much and then I end up doing nothing. The days seem to go by so fast and I am standing still. I want to leave this city and get a new fresh start. But I don't do well with change. So am I just setting myself for a long hard fall? I don't want to be depressed ever again as I once was. I have managed to fight that feeling everyday now. I don't know how long its been but I know it has to be going on two years now.
I think I just need to start small and then take it from there. I have given myself the goal of two years to leave from here. I want to start school and get some kind of trade so that I may not rely on anyone but myself. I saw this movie a long time ago and I have been thinking about it for a while now. Its called She Devil. I wont go to much into what its about but in it she makes a list of all the things her husband tells her are important to him. Then she "handles" each thing on this list as to what she thinks is the most fruitful way to do so. I think I will start my own list.
Previous PostsAnother Desappointment, posted June 11th, 2013
Broken Record, posted April 24th, 2013
Turning off the DVR, turning on the crazy..., posted February 28th, 2013
Late Night Thinking, posted February 27th, 2013
Lazy Housewife, posted January 4th, 2013
Mother's Love...my cross to bear?, posted October 24th, 2012
Moving Forward, posted September 26th, 2012
Somebody I Used To Know, posted September 21st, 2012, 1 comment
A New Life, posted September 21st, 2012
The Goal, posted June 14th, 2012
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